If I’m honest, I’m nervous to post this — I actually wrote it about a 3 weeks ago haven’t felt the courage until now. It’s kind of a touchy and serious subject for me…
I want my blog to be encouraging and uplifting, and I want you to get to know me through what I write. I want to be an open book. I want to be honest with you. I want to inspire you because we are on this journey together.
In order to get to know me, I think you should know something that I have struggled with lately that I am absolutely positive many of you struggle with too.
I’ll tell a little story to begin.
About a month ago was my youth group’s Fall Retreat, and it was one of the most encouraging weekends I’ve had in awhile. An experience we had one night was going to different prayer stations. At one station was a mirror. On that mirror, we were to first write how we see ourselves. On one side, we were to write negative thoughts, and on the other, positive thoughts. I wrote and I wrote and I wrote until almost the entire mirror was full of what looked like a jumbled mess of black squiggles when, in fact, it was every negative thought about myself that I think everyday. I found it hard to think of positive thoughts.
That’s when it hit me. I broke down in tears and felt so hopeless. It was at that moment that I finally realized that I don’t feel good enough for people around me, even if I know deep down they love me no matter what.
We then had to erase the negative things and write how God sees us, while thinking about Psalm 139, which talks about how God cares for us and knows us deeply.
I bawled my eyes out some more– my mascara was pretty much gone by this point and was smudged all over my face. I began to pray, unable to find the words to say to Him. The Spirit groaned in place of me.
It was that experience on that night that I put it all together, knowing at that moment that all of the negative thoughts, all of the self-judgment, fit together into one thing — I did not feel good enough for people.
I’m not smart enough to make the grade. I’m not pretty enough for him to ever want to date me. I’m not skinny enough for any boy. I have too much fat on my body, and I feel like everyone is judging me for it. I care about people way more than they could ever care about me. I’m not happy enough for people. I’m too awkward to be friends with her/him. I don’t ever say the right things.
…Just a few things I often tell myself.
It all relates to not being good enough.
All I want right now is to feel good enough about myself to go out and take over the world and not care what people think about me. I want God to overwhelm me with a sense of peace about who I am and to make me feel good enough the way I am at every moment. I want to learn what it means to be totally confident in who God made me to be — physically, mentally, emotionally. I want to inspire people through that confidence from G0d.
I may never know why God made me to have thick fingers, sometimes oily, sometimes dry skin, stretch marks, fat rolls, and the like. I may never know why God made me to desire unconditional love from people, without boyfriends as a part of my life so far, to like brownies more than broccoli, and too often over-think things.
What I do know is that I am learning. I am learning how to love myself for who I am. I am learning that truly only God’s opinion of me matters. I am learning to not focus so much on perfection and the negative but to focus on being myself and accepting my body and mind the way I am.
I’m just making it by and trying to live life like the rest of us.